Let’s play a game of “Have You Ever?”:
Have you ever seethed with rage on the inside - except on the outside you wore a forced smile?
Have you ever gotten into a shouting match with someone - and instantly regretted the moment that choice put down left your lips?
Have you ever reflexively told someone “it’s no big deal” but deep down you knew it was and felt a well of resentment bubbling up?
Have you ever considered all those teachings of Jesus about loving enemies and going to the person who offended you or whom you’ve offended, and sighed with both guilt and resignation: easier said than done?
Give yourself 1 point for every “Yes” answer.
If you got 3 or more points, welcome to the Winner’s Circle! I suspect there are many of us here.
Truth is, conflict surrounds us. It’s a normal, healthy part of relationships. But so few of us do conflict well.
We’re either too assertive (read aggressive),
Or quiet (passive aggressive),
Or avoidant,
Or accommodating,
Or just frozen.
And sadly I don’t know that our ability to handle conflict well is improved if we attend church or read the Bible regularly. Somehow our faith in Christ often doesn’t appear to penetrate the way we show up when our blood starts to boil. When we lose our cool, it’s as if we suddenly misplace that basket holding the fruit of the Spirit, every single time. Maybe that doesn’t describe you - but it certainly does me.
For most, the way we feel and react to conflict is deeply shaped in our childhood. Our family of origin, for better or worse, creates a gym where we practice over and over again a certain way of responding to conflict. After all those years, we become really adept at our preferred conflict style - regardless of how ineffective that style is.
And let’s be very clear. Jesus can change, and wants to change, the way we show up in conflict. Blessed are the peacemakers, he said. And perhaps therapy is one avenue we can invite Jesus to penetrate this part of our damaged, broken spirits.
As public discourse continues to devolve, as marriages become hardened by decades of unresolved conflict, as brothers and sisters in Christ fracture and break fellowship, we need to find better ways to engage in conflict. And this necessarily requires more than technique or strategies, but a deeper work of God in our souls, healing our wounds and trauma, mending the ways we've been sinned against and delivering us from the ways we sin against one another.
May we be reminded today that we love and follow Jesus, the One who met every conflict with unflappable grace and truth.
John Lin, Partnerships Director
Photo by Chris Sabor / If only conflict were so elegant.
