5 Practical Ways to Connect with Those You Love
By Amanda Robottom
Connecting with your Teen or Preteen
Photo by kylie De Guia
Once a week or so, turn off the TV at dinner, bring everyone to one table, and play card games such as Uno, Phase10, SkipBo, or Exploding Kittens. These games are simple enough to be played while eating and conversing.
Once a month (or even weekly or biweekly), take your preteen or teen out for a one-on-one “date” to the location of their choosing that is within your budget. Let them know you are there for them, but allow them to dictate if you have a conversation or sit silently. When they talk, listen without judgment or offering your opinion; if they ask questions, answer honestly, ensuring they know if your answer is based on fact or experience. Let them know they have your focus. Oh! Leave the phones in the car or put them away for the entire meal; give your teen your full attention, and ask them to provide you with theirs.
Cook a meal at home together. Allow your preteen or teen to choose the recipe and go grocery shopping, prep, cook, plate, and clean up the meal together. Encourage your teen to try a new recipe or get creative and remind them that there is always cereal or pizza if it doesn’t taste good!
If you take a long drive or a road trip this summer, take turns picking out songs and create a playlist. Ask your teen about their favorite songs, What they like about them, how they heard about the artist, which they enjoy more, the beat or the lyrics. Open up about your song choices by sharing a memory the song evokes or talking about the first time you heard the song.
Give your teen space to participate in conversations with you. If you talk longer than 2-3 minutes, it feels like a lecture to your teen, and they have probably tuned out. While research says that the average attention span for teens is between 20-42 minutes, connecting with them means engaging them, interacting with them, and not talking for 20-42 minutes straight (Morgan, 2021). Ask them their opinions, and focus on listening to their words without jumping to conclusions or judging them. Be a safe place for them and get to know them as they grow into the adult they are becoming.
References
Morgan, N. (2021, March 15). What’s Happened to Our Attention Spans During the Pandemic?. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communications-matter/202103/whats-happened-our-attention-spans-during-the-pandemic
Connecting with Your Partner
Photo by micheile henderson
Before leaving your spouse for work, running errands, taking a trip, or anything else, kiss them for six seconds (Rusnak, 2021). No more peck and run; focus on the feel of your partner’s lips against yours, the smell of their cologne, perfume, lotion, or even body wash, focus on the embrace, and remain in the six-second moment.
When you are both reunited after being away from each other, no matter who else is demanding your attention, go find your partner (except if they are in the restroom), greet them first with a 10-20 second hug and a 6-second kiss (Escalante, 2020 & Rusnak, 2021). This act gives both of you a chance to reconnect in the moment and remind one another that your partnership comes first.
Before sitting down to space out in front of the television at night, take turns spending 5-10 minutes each sharing about your day. One of you plays the role of the speaker and the other the listener. The listener can ask important questions that may provide clarity but allow the speaker to share with minimal interruption. While listening, please do not listen to give advice or make suggestions; listen to hear your partner out and experience their day from their perspective. After the first speaker finishes, switch roles!
The Gottman Card Decks are online for free in both the Apple and Google store. Download them and take time a few nights a week to go through and thoroughly answer one or two a night. These decks help you get to know your partner and continue strengthening the foundation of your relationship.
Once every six months or so, take the kids to a trusted family member or friend’s house for a twenty-four-hour sleepover, and either you and your partner check into a hotel or go home to a child-free home. Use this time to reconnect by spending time together doing things that focus on your relationship, such as cuddling, taking a class, cooking, playing a game, dancing, watching movies, giving each other massages, get creative. Whatever you do, avoid conversations about work, the kids, or other stressful topics and focus on the two of you. Spend time getting to know one another at this stage in your life. Don’t forget to “pay it forward.” If the family member or friend has kids, offer to do the same for them.
Resources
Escalante, A. (2020, June 9). Here’s How Science Says You Can Give The Perfect Hug (Once Social Distancing Is Over). Forbes; Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/alisonescalante/2020/06/09/how-to-give-the-perfect-hug-according-to-science/?sh=55d962b55f9f
Rusnak, K. (2021, July 1). The Six Second Kiss. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-six-second-kiss/
Connecting with Friends or Coworkers
Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com
Invite a group over for a themed lunch or dinner and plan your food and activities around that theme. To cut back on pressure this may bring you as the host, have people volunteer for appetizers, entrees, desserts, music, or activities that may add unnecessary stress to you. Try decade, international, musical, or even color or ingredient based themes. Get creative and have fun.
Bring back board or card games! There are so many new board games to suit all interests. Get a new game or pull out an old one, throw out some snacks and invite friends or colleagues over for an afternoon or evening of fun. Newer games that you may want to try include Small World, The Settlers of Catan, Ticket to Ride, 7 Wonders, Cosmic Encounters, or find something more inline with your tastes.
Invite a group to go for a hike and have a picnic. Getting outside is great for your physical and mental wellbeing, but with a group, it also gives you a chance to focus on being in the present moment with others instead of being distracted. Even if you have never hiked before, you can always find a beginners trail or walk and take a picnic in a city park, at the zoo, the beach, or even your local botanical garden.
Has someone’s name popped in your head recently out of thin air? Send them a quick text or email and let them know. This doesn’t have to be long and wordy, but simply reaching out and letting them know you are thinking about them and hope they are doing well is HUGE. This form of reaching out can even open the door for a stronger relationship to build. Want to add a personal touch? Include a photo of you guys together, the link to a song you used to both enjoy, a meme or a comic strip.
Is someone under the weather? DoorDash or Uber Eats them soup or a smoothie with a note from you instead of a text or an email. Doing things for others nourishes us just as much as the soup or smoothie helps them heal.
Learn more about Amanda Robottom