4 Helpful Tips for Navigating a Potentially Heated Situation

By Ray Myers

Oh no, it’s finally happened.

That moment you’ve been dreading the whole get-together.

There’s nothing left to get in between you both. It’s been a long day, and HOT. You look around frantically, is anyone else there to help? You can’t even get your phone out in time before-

You lock eyes.

Why did you do that?!

This is it, here we go…

“Why haven’t you called?”

“Heyyy Peter, what’s happening? Yeah, so, about that…we really need to talk about your TPS reports, have you seen the memo..?”

“I like turtles.”

(Avert eye-contact…awkward silence ensues)

Whether it’s your mother, your boss, someone else’s kids, or someone else entirely, we all have that one difficult interaction we need to get through this summer function. You don’t know when you’ll see them next, but it’s coming. You can feel it, and might even be dreading it. You’ve tried empathy, sympathy, and even avoidance, but nothing seems to work. So what can you do?

Tip 1: Define Goals

What are you trying to accomplish? How specific and achievable is your goal?

Practical goals include being present, trying your best, having a positive attitude, actively listening, and being polite. We can ask that others listen, but we can’t make them understand (Gibson, 2015). Knowing the difference sets our expectation in a way that makes the interaction less emotionally upsetting when misalignments occur.

Tip 2: Manage the Interaction, Don’t Engage the Relationship

Now that we know your goal isn’t mutual understanding, we can more easily observe and direct what is happening. What do you want to talk about with this person? For how long? What is out of bounds? Can you gently guide the conversation away from undesirable topics and more towards safer conversations?

Tip 3: Be Curious & Observe

How did that gentle nudging go? What worked and what didn’t? The more persistent you were, how did it affect the other person emotionally? How did it make you feel to try a few times? Did it feel good when it did work? Why do you think you are so triggered by what they said? What went well that you will try next time? How can you respond differently?

Tip 4: Be Gracious

Consider the kind of person you want to be, and how you want to respond to people in life. Compliments cost you nothing but can have powerful effects on others. Your Mom put some thought into her outfit, maybe you let her know how nice she looks. Your boss showed up and didn’t have to, tell them you appreciate that. Turtles ARE awesome buddy; now where’s your Dad?

Learn more about Ray.

Gibson, Lindsay C. Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, New Harbinger Publications, 2015.

When You're Trapped at the End-of-Summer BBQ with THAT Person