We Become What We've Seen: Breaking Generational Chains and Family Patterns
There I was, fists balled up, tears choked back with fueled rage, and a knot in my throat. I had just exploded at my spouse for something. Candidly, that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was the thought I had next: I just acted like my Mother.
We've All Made That Vow
If we are honest with ourselves, we've all made the same vow — that we would never do what our parents did. Whether in personality traits, friendships, marriage, parenthood, or any source of relational conflict, we inevitably do something we thought we would never do because it reminds us of our parents. And if we are really honest with ourselves, we'd admit it has probably happened more than once.
What Science Tells Us: Social Learning Theory
On one hand, we have to give credit where credit is due. Psychologically, we can be aware of the social learning theory that shapes us all. Albert Bandura's 1961 social learning theory experiment is widely known within the psychology realm, as it gave us a pivotal understanding of observational learning. In the experiment, there was an air-filled plastic doll named Bobo that an adult was instructed to act aggressively toward — kicking and punching it — while a child watched. That child was then placed in a room alone with other toys, and when some toys were taken away and the child became angry, it would punch and kick the Bobo doll just like the adult had. In a second observation, a different child watched an adult not kick the Bobo doll but instead ignore it or play gently with it. When that child was placed in the same scenario, it would ignore the doll and play gently with it, just as the adult did. What we learned back in 1961 — however obvious it seems now — was quite significant, because it revealed something profound about human nature: despite our genetic wiring, we do as we see.
What Scripture Shows Us: A Family of Patterns
To be honest, we can find evidence of this even earlier than 1961. We see generational patterns and social learning theory as early as Genesis. Track with me here:
In Genesis 21 we see the birth of Isaac, the promised child that the Lord gave to Abraham and Sarah. Soon after Isaac's birth, we see the favoritism Sarah had toward Isaac and the spiteful harm she directed at Hagar and Ishmael — the slave woman and child that Abraham had fathered at Sarah's own request. Sarah demands that Abraham cast out Ishmael and Hagar and favor Isaac as his true son. Thus began a pattern of favoritism that Isaac grew up knowing. Fast-forward, and we see Isaac favor Esau over Jacob. Jacob, feeling this favoritism, schemes his way into receiving his father's blessing. Fast-forward to Jacob's own family — he favors Rachel over Leah, but Rachel was barren and unable to conceive, while Leah was. In Genesis 30, Rachel gave Jacob her servant Bilhah to conceive on her behalf. Leah, when she also stopped conceiving, did the same with her servant Zilpah. In the end, Jacob had twelve sons — but the child born to him by Rachel, the one he favored, was Joseph.
From Genesis 21 to Genesis 50, we see social learning theory all over the place. The narrative, at least told from the biblical perspective, ends with Joseph breaking the chains of favoritism.
Where Hope Enters: Joseph's Story
So there's hope? I'd like to think so. Joseph gives us a simple yet powerful look at what he understood about his life and his family. In Genesis 50:20 we see: "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." (ESV). What we see is a heartfelt awareness that what happened to him was harmful — it was not good for others. We must first be very aware of what has happened to us and how it has affected us, or is currently affecting us.
Step One: Honest Self-Examination
By taking a clear and honest look at our relationships and areas of our life, by seeking the help of the Holy Spirit, we can ask for a searching of our heart and discernment in the areas where God wants to refine or sanctify us. We must first look at our actions and our behaviors to understand what is being revealed.
We find this reflected in Psalm 139:23-24 — "Search me, O God, and know my heart… see if there be any grievous way in me."
Here we are reminded that we can rely on God to search us deeply and know us through and through — to examine the depths of our actions and heart.
Step Two: Understanding Others with Compassion
Then comes compassion, curiosity, and understanding of the actions of others in our lives — and seeing how those actions have affected us. Joseph was aware that what his brothers intended was to harm him. While the generational patterns in our own lives may not have been intentional harm, we can still acknowledge their lasting effects.
Step Three: Offering Your Story to God
The third step — where healing becomes possible — is by offering the narrative of our lives to God. Through healing, faith, comfort, and love, our Lord is able to restore, sanctify, and love us through the pain, through the pattern, and through the breaking of every chain.
How did Joseph find the comfort of knowing that God intended it for good? Through the deep relational intimacy that he had with God. We find comfort in his trust in God's plan and in God's way of provision through all of the hardship and unfairness — through every trial and painful moment, Joseph prevailed. What we see is four generations and hundreds of years of broken patterns dismantled within one lifetime.
There is work to be done here — work that can be fostered in therapy, where you can sit with a compassionate professional trained to see and observe these patterns. It can be fostered in a loving and honest community that models healing and restoration, in a hard, close look in the mirror, or in any relationship that offers clarity and comfort. But ultimately, it can be fostered in a relationship with God as He works to mold your heart into a life of freedom.
We are not slaves to the generations before us. We are not slaves to our own behaviors. We can heal, we can grow, and we can do better for the next generation.
By Brittany Ertz, LPC
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