Did I Just Sound Like My Mother?
Criticism: The Saboteur of Healthy Communication
Most of us would agree we want to become better communicators. We read the books, nod along to podcasts, and repost sage advice memes. We know communication is key to healthy relationships. It's how we send our thoughts, our feelings, and our needs across the great divide between our brain and another. When it works, it’s magic. We feel seen, heard, understood, and valued. When it doesn’t? It can feel like the emotional equivalent of hosting a party where no one shows up.
But there’s one particular kind of communication fail that I see all the time in couples. It’s sneaky, it’s common, and it’s toxic: parental criticism.
What is Parental Criticism?
Parental criticism in adult relationships involves speaking to a partner like they are a misbehaving child, assuming superiority, and communicating from a "top-down" tone.
Here’s how it tends to show up in our conversations:
One partner asks a question, and the other replies with a sigh, an eye roll, and a lesson in common sense.
Or statements like these:
“I told you...”
“Why would you do it that way?”
“Don’t you think it would be better if you…”
Yikes!
Parental criticism isn’t just bossy—it’s belittling. It assumes superiority and strips the person we say we love, of agency, autonomy, and (let’s be real) dignity.
Where Does Parental Criticism Come From?
Well, fun fact (and by fun, I mean: psychologically loaded): most of us carry our emotions with us like emotional carry-ons. We grew up absorbing the way our parents or caregivers spoke to us, and then voila!—we accidentally start treating our partner the way it was done to or modeled for us.
So when you say, “Why didn’t you just do it the way I told you?” in that tight-lipped, trying-not-to-yell voice… yeah, that’s probably your dad.
When your partner hears that tone and instantly feels 12 years old and defensive? There it is.
Let’s be clear: parental tones have a place in, well, parenting, but they have no business in adult-to-adult relationships. When used with a partner, they don’t build connection—they build resentment, shame, and distance.
The reality is we all slip into these patterns. It’s not about shame. It’s about awareness. The goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be intentional. Start noticing those moments when you sound suspiciously like your mom or your third-grade teacher. That flicker of, “Why do I feel like I just got in trouble?” Pay attention. That’s your cue.
The best relationships aren’t hierarchical. They’re equal. In a partnership, both people deserve to be spoken to like competent, capable, worthy adults.
How to Stop Criticizing Your Partner like a Parent
The next time you feel a correction forming in your throat, try this instead:
“Hey, can we try it like this next time?”
“I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard—can we talk about it?”
“Let’s figure this out together.”
Trust me, your partner—and your inner child—will thank you!
By Heather Dutcher, LPC
Heather grew up in an environment of addiction and generational divorce. Her life experiences, personal journey in counseling, and education have allowed her to develop a unique perspective of how our woundedness caused from dysfunctional patterns of relating are carried forward and recast into our adult lives. Recognizing that our experiences become the filter through which we sift and construct our view of self, our approach to life, our capacity love and be loved, and our ability to trust, Heather’s passion is to come alongside those wrestling with shame, identity, self-harm, anxiety, relationship issues, divorce, infidelity, secrecy, emotional abuse, and childhood trauma.
As a mother of six (6) of a blended family (two biological children, three step-children, and one child through an informal adoption), Heather has a passion for strengthening parent-child relationships, facilitating co-parent relationships, and enabling the voice of the young by helping parents see the world through the lens of their child.
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