Why We Feel What We Feel: Anxiety, the Nervous System, and Finding Rest
Why do we have feelings? What is the point of feeling mad, sad, or anxious? Many would say these feelings complicate things — whether it's letting go of a recent relationship, dealing with Dallas traffic, or feeling uneasy about an upcoming meeting with the VP. Of all these feelings, the one I see most in my office, and have wrestled with personally, is anxiety.
Naming My Own Anxiety
I have always struggled to identify my own anxiety. I assumed the pressure I put on myself was normal and necessary — the fuel that pushed me through whatever task was in front of me. Most of my identity has been built on performance: as a kid, it was games, school, and sports; as an adult, it's job performance and providing for my family. The pressure and the tingling that coursed from my brain down into my fingertips were palpable, and yet I told myself this was fine. Still, is this truly normal? Better yet, is it healthy?
An Analogy: Emotions as Electricity
While we feel a wide range of emotions, I find it helpful to explain the difference between the general emotional spectrum and the nervous system through an analogy I use often with my clients. Think of emotions as the electricity that powers the lights we use around the house every day. Sometimes a light gets left on, just as an emotion can linger longer than expected. Grief, for example, is complicated: it can bring many emotions at once, at varying intensity, coming and going unpredictably. That's a normal part of the process, the same way household lights get used differently and for different lengths of time.
Nervous system responses — anxiety, in this case — are a different kind of energy. This time, think of a microwave. No one leaves a microwave running all night; the damage would be serious. And yet how many of us leave the microwave on when it comes to our own anxious thoughts — those little alarms we neglect, put off, or repress throughout the day? Imagine what that does to our bodies.
Tools for Turning It Down
So how do we turn it off, especially when anxiety is part of how our brain is wired to protect us? Fortunately, we have an extensive toolbelt of techniques available to us, whether through a personal therapist, support from friends and family, or an app on your phone.
One of my favorites is simple yet effective: breathing.
Inhale through your nose for three seconds, hold for three seconds, and exhale through your mouth for three seconds. Repeat three times, and you've spent nearly half a minute fully grounded — present in your body, taking in the oxygen needed to calm your nervous system.
Some pair this with focusing on the present moment, like wiggling their toes in their shoes. It reminds your body that you're not just present, you're still here — not wherever your stressed mind wants to take you.
Still, having the tools to build a rocket doesn't mean we have the confidence, time, or experience to do it. We can use grounding and breathing techniques, and we can rationalize and manage intrusive thoughts. But at some point, our own efforts, and the efforts of those around us, can only take us so far.
Finding Rest in His Presence
Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” When we are struggling most, we can lament what we are experiencing or have lost. These feelings are completely valid. Yet there is no darkness without light, and we can rejoice knowing He is with us, especially close to us in our brokenheartedness.
We may feel like the weight of the world is crashing down — our marriage on the brink of separation, or our family, once both a support system and a stressor, now changing. But these moments don't just teach us to appreciate what we have; they build us. Our resilience can't be built unless it's tested. Iron sharpens iron. Our strife builds resilience, and resilience reveals the inner strength that forms our identity — the very identity our Creator gave us before we knew Him. We can rejoice that the depth of our sorrow draws us closer to His presence, and that same depth is what fuels our growth into the character He planned for us. The greater the suffering, the greater the joy we can feel in His presence, and the greater the growth that follows.
When I sit with this passage, I understand my real goal: not to perform, but simply to be. My end goal has already been secured in Christ, and even when I fall short in my worldly performance, I am not judged by it. If anything, these struggles draw me closer to Him, so what do I have to worry about? It's a win-win: either I accomplish the task in front of me and move forward, or I make a mistake, learn from it, and am blessed all the more by His presence in my uncertainty. I will be met, and I am always seen.
This brings to mind Matthew 6:26: “Look at the birds of the air: they do not sow or reap or gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” In my suffering and my anxious thoughts, I'm called to recognize that I'm not only closer to Him, but assured of a love that transcends all worldly stress. My worth, like yours, isn't determined by performance on anxiety-inducing tasks — it's given, and it's present, in His love. Always.
Connor Gianni Leardini, LPC, is a therapist who provides a warm, collaborative approach for children, teens, and young adults. Drawing on his unique background as a U.S. Air Force veteran, certified physical trainer, theology scholar, and Autism Spectrum Disorder Specialist, he seamlessly integrates CBT and REBT with physical fitness and optional spiritual guidance. He is dedicated to creating an inviting, holistic environment focused on supporting every client's overall mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Ready to Deepen Your own Inner Work?
The team at Watershed Initiative would be honored to come alongside you. We provide clinically excellent, faith-integrated care for individuals, couples, and leaders seeking Christian counseling.