A Companion Guide to “Why Church Hurt Hurts So Much"
This article is a companion guide for Episode 21 of The Work Within, “Why Church Hurt Hurts So Much”
The same church can save your life and ruin your faith. That’s a confusing and infuriating reality to grapple with.
For Dieula Previlon, a licensed therapist and ordained minister, it did both. When her family immigrated from Haiti to New Jersey, she was a fifth grader who couldn’t speak the language. The Haitian immigrant church down the road became her lifeline. “That immigrant church saved my life,” she said on Episode 21 of The Work Within.
Years later, pregnant and unmarried in her last semester of college, she was afraid to bring her situation to the church at all. She knew this was a line that couldn’t be crossed.
If you have been hurt by a church, you probably recognize some version of that story. The place that was supposed to be safest became the place you had to protect yourself from. And if you are like most people we talk to, you are left with questions like: Is what happened to me really that bad? Am I overreacting? Is it the church I’m struggling with, or God?
This article draws on our conversation with therapists Dieula Previlon, LPC-S, and Paul McMullen, LPC, and on what clinical research tells us about why church hurt lands in a uniquely painful way.
Why church hurt cuts deeper than other kinds of pain
We expect people to let us down sometimes. Coworkers, neighbors, even friends. It hurts, but it doesn’t usually shake the foundations.
Church is different, and Dieula explained why. The church presents itself as a representation of God. “We expect more from the church,” she said. “You’re supposed to know better. You’re supposed to represent God.”
So when a church or a spiritual leader wounds you, the injury often doesn’t stay contained to them. It spreads. It starts to feel like God agrees with them. If this church decided, “You don’t belong,” maybe God decided that too. Dieula described it as “a double force against us,” the pain of the people plus the fear that heaven is on their side.
Psychologists have a name for part of this. Betrayal trauma, a concept developed by Jennifer Freyd, describes harm that comes from a person or system you depend on and trust. Freyd and Carly Smith later extended it to institutional betrayal: the added damage that happens when an institution fails to prevent harm, or responds to it badly by protecting itself instead of the person who was hurt. Research on institutional betrayal finds that it worsens trauma symptoms beyond the original harm.
Churches fit this pattern closely. They hold moral authority. They are often woven into our families, friendships, and identity. Leaving can mean losing a whole community at once.
What attachment theory tells us about church trauma
Paul McMullen drew on attachment theory to explain why church wounds are so disorienting.
As children, we are wired to run toward our caregivers when we are hurt. When a caregiver soothes us, we learn that our pain matters and the world is basically safe. But when the person we run to for comfort is also the one who frightens or harms us, the nervous system gets caught in an impossible loop: move toward and move away at the same time. Researchers call this disorganized attachment.
“When the people you expect to be safe and to soothe you are the same ones who hurt you,” Paul said, “you don’t know what to expect anymore. Your nervous system is all jumbled up inside.”
That explains something many people feel but can’t articulate: a longing to go back to church and a knot in your stomach when you pull into the parking lot. Both reactions are valid. Both make sense.
Church hurt vs. church trauma: where’s the line?
It is fair to ask whether “trauma” gets used too loosely. Any community of people will disappoint you at some point. A pastor is impatient with you. A small group doesn’t show up for you when you need them. Someone says something mean and hurtful in a meeting. That is painful, and it is part of belonging to anything human.
So how do you tell the difference between “regular” church hurt and “church trauma”? In our conversation, three markers kept coming up.
1. An abuse of power. Paul put it plainly: “When there’s a manipulation of power, part of trauma is that you’re left not knowing what’s safe anymore.” Gaslighting, spiritual manipulation, and using God’s name to control someone move hurt into different territory.
2. Losing your voice. Dieula named the inability to speak up, question, or defend yourself. When it’s one person against an institution that has stood for decades, “who do you think the larger society is going to believe? Little old me, or the big old church?” Having no advocate and no way to be heard is a core ingredient of trauma.
3. Being left unsure what to trust, including yourself. If a church experience leaves you doubting your own perceptions, your value, or your worth, Paul said, “there is a sense in which that’s church-related trauma.”
A note that matters: trauma is defined as much by how something is experienced as by the event itself. Two people can go through the same church split and walk away with very different wounds. If it affected you deeply, that is worth taking seriously, whether or not it fits someone else’s definition of “traumatic.”
Common signs of religious trauma
People carrying church trauma often notice some of the following:
Anxiety, dread, or a racing heart in church settings, around certain songs, or when hearing particular phrases
Intrusive fear of punishment, hell, or God’s anger
Shame that sticks, even after you’ve intellectually moved past what you were taught
Difficulty trusting spiritual leaders, or any leaders
Feeling cut off from God, or unsure whether your faith was ever your own
“Checking out” while still attending, which Dieula described as showing up “without really embodying who you are”
Grief over the loss of a community, a role, or a version of your faith
None of these mean something is wrong with you. They are what a nervous system does after being hurt in a place it once trusted.
When the church protects itself instead of its people
One of the most painful patterns Paul described is what happens when a church gets anxious. Individuals go into fight, flight, or freeze when threatened. Congregations and denominations can do the same.
“When a church gets anxious about its place, it goes into fight mode,” he said. Instead of caring for the person who was harmed, the system protects its reputation, its leaders, or its image of being a “perfect church.” People who raise concerns, or who simply don’t fit, start to be treated as threats.
Dieula knows this from experience. As a Black woman and an ordained minister, she has sat in churches that celebrated her ethnicity but not her ministry calling, and in churches that might affirm her calling but not see her culture. The result, she said, is feeling “spiritually orphaned,” always present “as a symbol of dissent.” Many women, and especially many women of color, will recognize that description.
Healing from church hurt: where to begin
If you are carrying church hurt or church trauma, here are some places to start.
Separate God from the people who hurt you. Dieula called this a central part of healing. The church is run by broken people, many of whom have not done their own emotional work or been trained to listen well. What they did is not the final word on what God thinks of you.
Know that you are not the only one who left the church and kept your faith. “A lot of people have left the church, not God,” Dieula said. Many people who step away from congregations still love Jesus and still long for community. They just can’t find it in the form the church has taken.
Let Jesus meet you as someone who understands. Paul pointed out that Jesus was betrayed by his own people and abandoned by his closest friends. “He knows what it’s like to be hurt and wounded by the people who should be safe.” That does not make light of your pain. It means you are not bringing it to someone who can’t relate (look at Hebrews 4:15).
Heal in community, but choose it carefully. Trauma that happens in relationships usually heals in relationships. You won’t resolve this alone or in isolation. That doesn’t mean rushing back to a large congregation. It might look like a home church, a small group, a few trusted friends, or a healing group where you can talk honestly about God and the messy parts of life. “Where two or three are gathered,” Dieula reminded us, “the presence of God is there” (Matthew 18:20).
Consider working with a therapist who understands faith. A clinically trained Christian therapist can help you untangle what happened, calm the nervous system responses that keep firing, and sort through your beliefs without pressure to land anywhere in particular.
For pastors and church leaders
If you lead a church, this conversation is an invitation, not an accusation. Paul and Dieula both love the church and serve in it. Here are a few questions worth sitting with:
• When someone raises a concern, is our first instinct to protect the person or the institution?
• Is there room in our church for doubt, questions, and leaders who are struggling?
• Who in our congregation might feel “spiritually orphaned,” celebrated for one part of who they are and silenced for another?
• How do we hold power, and where might we need to relinquish some of it? Dieula pointed to Jesus, who “came down” and became one of us so people could feel safe with him.
Healthy churches aren’t the ones that never hurt anyone. They’re the ones where, when hurt happens, people can go to one another, be heard, and repair.
You still have agency
John Lin closed the episode with a reminder that fits the name of the show. You can’t change your whole church. The only person you have power over is you. But when you do your own inner work, you bring more health into every community you’re part of. If enough people do that, the ship turns, one degree at a time. That is really good news!
Dieula’s final words are worth carrying with you: “Don’t give up. I haven’t given up. I still love the church.”
Frequently Asked Questions
What is church hurt? Church hurt is emotional or spiritual pain caused by a church community, leader, or system. It can range from feeling excluded or judged to experiencing manipulation or abuse.
What is the difference between church hurt and religious trauma? All relationships involve some hurt. Religious or church trauma typically involves an abuse of power, being silenced or left without an advocate, and lasting confusion about what or whom you can trust, including yourself.
Can you heal from church trauma and still have faith? Yes. Many people leave a church without leaving God. Healing often involves separating God from the people who caused harm and finding a safe community to process with.
Why does church hurt feel like betrayal by God? Because the church represents God to many people, harm from a church can feel like God’s rejection. Separating the two can be difficult, but is a central part of healing.
Should I see a Christian therapist for church trauma? A therapist who is clinically trained and understands faith can help you work through what happened without pressuring you toward a particular conclusion about church or belief.
Listen to the Full Conversation
Hear the full discussion with Dieula Previlon, LPC-S, and Paul McMullen, LPC, on Episode 21 of The Work Within. If you’re looking for a clinically trained Christian therapist, we’d love to help you find one. Sweet Deeds Foundation also offers subsidized care for those who need it.
Sources
Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. Harvard University Press.
Smith, C. P., & Freyd, J. J. (2014). Institutional betrayal. American Psychologist, 69(6), 575–587.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the Preschool Years(pp. 121–160). University of Chicago Press.
Steinke, P. L. (2006). Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times. Alban Institute.
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