A Companion Guide to “How to Find Joy When Life Hurts"
This article is a companion guide for Episode 22 of The Work Within, “How to Find Joy When Life Hurts”
“Because I’m happy…Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof.” Pharrell William’s hit song made us happy – if only for a few minutes. It feels good to be happy, walking through life with a hop in our step.
Every week, licensed counselors meet people who say they want to be happier. Far fewer say they want joy. And according to the two counselors we talked with on Episode 22 of The Work Within, that gap may be where a lot of the discontent and frustration lives.
Laura Harrison, LPC-S, and Ly Tran, LPC-S, don’t treat happiness and joy as the same thing. They don’t treat them as opposites either. What follows is what they shared, what the research says, and what Scripture adds, in a way you can use whether you’re in a hard season or an ordinary one.
Why “just be happy” keeps failing
Laura pushes back when clients tell her they just want to be happy again. Her reason is simple. “Happy is an unsustainable emotion,” she said. “You can’t be happy all the time. You can be content.”
That isn’t pessimism. It’s just how emotions work. Happiness is a feeling that rises and falls with circumstances. If it’s your target, you’ll spend your life chasing it and feel like you’re failing whenever it fades. Psychologists have studied one reason for this under the name hedonic adaptation: we get used to good things quickly, so the new car, the vacation, or the good news stops lifting our mood as much as it first did. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist who studies happiness, covers this in her book The How of Happiness.
Pleasure is a gift. It just can’t carry the weight we put on it. Martin Seligman, often called the father of modern positive psychology, describes three pathways toward a good, happy life: the pleasant life (positive emotions), the good life (using your strengths and getting absorbed in what you do), and the meaningful life (belonging to and serving something bigger than yourself). John Lin described the idea on the episode with a food pyramid. Meaning is the protein, engagement is the vegetables, and pleasure is the dessert. Nothing wrong with dessert, but a life built mostly on sugar is going to leave you hungry.
Joy vs. happiness: what’s the difference?
The counselors didn’t draw a hard line, and neither will we. Ly described happiness and joy as two ends of a spectrum rather than rival camps. Happiness is the easier end to reach: a plate of cookies your kids baked, a good meal, a good day. Joy is deeper. It can sit alongside sadness, and it usually grows out of connection and meaning more than comfort.
Laura offered a way to hold the pieces together. Contentment is the ground, and joy is the spark. “When you’re content, it’s easier to find joy,” she said. “When you can accept your circumstances, whatever they are, then it’s easier to notice the things that are coming alongside your pain.” You stop straining toward a feeling you can’t keep, and you start noticing what’s already there.
Scripture treats joy the same way. In Galatians 5:22–23, joy is listed among the fruit of the Spirit, something that grows over time rather than something we manufacture on demand. Nehemiah 8:10 says, “The joy of the Lord is your strength,” which places joy in God rather than in our mood. And Jesus told his disciples, “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:11), which he said knowing what was ahead of them.
Can you feel joy and pain at the same time?
Yes, and this is the part most people find surprising. Ly offered an image that has stayed with us: “If joy is like a diamond, then pain is like the coal that we start with.” Pressure and time are part of the process.
He was careful about how he said it. A good therapist, he explained, wouldn’t tell a hurting client, “Stay in this long enough and you’ll get to joy.” Nobody in the middle of a crisis can hear that. Joy tends to show up near the end of the work, not the start of it.
Ly told a story to show what he meant. Every year his family watches a video of photos of their son, who passed away as an infant ten years ago. This year, he said, he ended up weeping. “I remember thinking, I’m so thankful for these tears. That’s joy for me. Because I feel connected.” Years earlier, a family who had also lost a child told him that one day those tears would feel like joy. “I remember thinking, that’s not possible,” he said. “But it’s true.”
He also used a lighter story to make the same point. When his seven-year-old insisted on trying a very spicy curry, he sweated and gulped water and asked for seconds. Ly’s takeaway was that the discomfort expands your palate. “You can’t eat spicy food all the time,” he said. “But the ability to do it and to taste it allows you to experience the fullness of life.” People with a narrow emotional palate, he said, often end up with a narrow experience of joy.
This lines up with Romans 5:3–5, where Paul describes suffering producing perseverance, character, and hope. It also fits what researchers call post-traumatic growth, the pattern in which some people report a deeper appreciation for life and for their relationships after struggling with adversity. Growth isn’t guaranteed, and it isn’t a reason to call pain good. It’s a reason not to waste what you’re walking through.
A grounding practice: name what is true, then what is also true
For people who are in the middle of it, Laura shared an exercise she uses with clients all the time. “Let’s talk about what is true right now, in this very moment,” she says. What’s true can be negative. But then pair it with something positive that is also true. “I lost my job, and I have a family who deeply loves and cares for me.”
Both statements are true at once. One hurts and one steadies you. Our brains are wired to scan for threats, she explained, so many of us get stuck on the painful half. Pairing it with what is also true doesn’t cancel the loss. It keeps you from living only inside it. Clinicians sometimes call this dialectical thinking, and it’s a core skill in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). The apostle Paul captured it in 2 Corinthians 6:10: “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.”
If you’re early in a loss, you don’t have to find joy at all. John said it plainly on the show: you don’t have to put on the smiley face. A small thing is enough. Laura often asks clients to notice one small good thing each day, like a flower, a child’s smile, or food that tastes good. She told us she has seen joy show up at a funeral, in the laughter and closeness of people gathered to grieve. “It wasn’t happiness,” she said. “It was joy.”
Why joy grows in connection
Ly noted that our culture doesn’t lament together very well. We keep grief private, or bring it to therapy and stop there. Yet when people share their burdens honestly, something powerful is generated. “We start giving words to it. We start giving permission for it,” he said. The Bible is clear on this one. Romans 12:15 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn, and Galatians 6:2 says to carry each other’s burdens.
Laura said watching Ly be open about his grief over the years made her a better leader and deepened her trust in him. “When you’re able to create that space to say, ‘I am absolutely hurting here,’ that also creates a bit of joy,” she said, “because it’s starting to develop that connection that you don’t find very often in this world.”
The research agrees. The Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed participants for more than 80 years, and its directors report that the quality of our close relationships is among the strongest predictors of health and well-being. As John noted, it isn’t about having a lot of friends. It’s about having a few people who truly know you. Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz tell the story in The Good Life.
How to cultivate joy when life is ordinary
Most of us aren’t in a crisis most days. We’re working, parenting, and getting through the week. The counselors gave three practices for that kind of season.
Slow down enough to notice. Ly pointed out that distractions exist because they keep us from feeling things. He suggested getting used to short stretches of silence and observation: what is my body feeling, and what are my emotions telling me? Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.”
Get to know yourself. Laura said many clients can’t answer “What do you enjoy?” or name their three most important relationships. You need to know your strengths, your core values, and who matters most to you, she said, because otherwise we say yes to distractions and other people’s demands and miss the joy in what matters. Jesus’ summary in Mark 12:29-31, loving God and loving your neighbor, is a good anchor for those values.
Go in small steps. You don’t have to write a manifesto this weekend. Laura suggested identifying one core value this month, and perhaps two or three by the end of a quarter. “Allow yourself to develop a friendship with yourself,” she said. “That takes time, investment, and commitment.” Ly agreed, noting that during his own season of loss, he started with just five minutes of journaling a day. Zechariah 4:10 (NLT) calls these “small beginnings” something the Lord rejoices in.
When it might be time to talk with someone
If joy feels out of reach for weeks at a time, or if grief, anxiety, or a hard season is making it difficult to function, a licensed counselor can help. You don’t need to be at a breaking point to start. Many people begin counseling simply because they want to understand themselves better.
If you’re looking for a clinically trained Christian therapist, we’d love to help you find a good fit.
For pastors and church leaders
Churches often reach for happiness language (“choose joy!”) when someone is grieving. That can leave people feeling like they’re failing at faith on top of everything else. The counselors’ conversation points to a better approach: make room for honest lament, pair it with what’s still true, and build communities where people can share burdens. If your church wants a clinical partner in that work, learn about the Watershed Initiativechurch partnership model.
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between joy and happiness?
Happiness is an emotional state that rises and falls with circumstances. Joy is a deeper, more lasting sense of meaning and connection that can exist alongside sadness. The counselors on Episode 22 describe them as points on a spectrum rather than opposites, with contentment as the ground joy grows from.
Is it possible to feel joy and grief at the same time?
Yes. Many people describe moments of connection and gratitude within grief, such as laughing together at a funeral. These moments don’t cancel the pain. They sit alongside it. Therapists often use a “this is true, and this is also true” practice to help hold both.
How do I find joy when I’m depressed or hurting?
Start small, and don’t force it. Notice one good thing a day, share honestly with a trusted person, and give yourself time. If you have felt low for weeks or can’t function, please talk with a licensed counselor. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Does the Bible say Christians should always be happy?
No. Scripture calls believers to rejoice, but it also says there is a time to weep and a time to laugh (Ecclesiastes 3:4), and the apostle Paul describes being “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing” (2 Corinthians 6:10). Biblical joy is rooted in God, not in how you feel on a given day.
Sources and further reading
Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want. Penguin.
Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being. Free Press.
Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2023). The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. Simon & Schuster.
Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
Listen to the Full Conversation
Hear the full discussion with Ly Tran, LPC-S, and Laura Harrison, LPC-S, on Episode 22 of The Work Within.
Ready to Deepen Your own Inner Work?
The team at Watershed Initiative would be honored to come alongside you. We provide clinically excellent, faith-integrated care for individuals, couples, and leaders seeking Christian counseling.